Bag Boy Blues

It was a simpler time of yesteryear when most every grocery store had bag boys, and we were free to either make small talk with the cashier or just stand there leisurely without a care in the world while “the help” bagged our items and loaded them in our shopping carts for us. Fleeting as it was, it gave us a glimpse of what it’s like to have a staff. “Would you like some help out with that sir?” I’d sometimes say “Absolutely, and if someone could drive me home that’d be great too.” It was usually good for a chuckle and then I’d politely decline the offer, being the strapping lad that I am. Sometimes if there was a guy in line behind me, I’d jokingly say “Save your strength, it looks like this guy needs the help WAY more than I do” with a wink and a nod. You know…if more people were smart-asses with strangers, the world would be a better place, I always say. Okay that’s the first time I’ve ever said that but just roll with it.

Fast forward to the present day. In my corner of the globe, the stores that do bag the groceries usually make the cashiers do the work, which of course just holds the line up cuz they can’t bag anything until they’re done ringing it all up. They sometimes have a roving bag boy / girl who floats from lane-to-lane helping the cashiers, but that seems to be the exception here rather than the rule.

Yesterday I was at a d0-it-yourself grocery store where the bagging duties fell on me, the hard-working, paying customer. There were 4 people in line behind me, with the conveyor-belt being divided so that two people can bag groceries at the same time. What could possibly go wrong?

Here in the great overly-legislated state of California, not only are we now charged 10 cents per bag, but the plastic bags….at least at the store I was in…well they suck. Hahaha. They can’t contain a certain chemically-thing that’s been deemed harmful to the environment so the bags are thicker but smaller. I was very mindful of my item-placement when unloading my cart, to make my bagging easier. Frozen foods clustered together, then perishables, then everything else, usually with the boxed items together and canned items too. Yes, I’m a genius. Unbeknownst to me until it was too late, my nice cashier took the liberty of ringing things up randomly as he saw fit.  A frozen pizza was the first item coming at me, and it wouldn’t even fit in the dwarfed bag, despite the fact that it was a small pizza. Really? Then came some dry goods (wait….didn’t I put those out LAST?), followed by a perishable or two. Slightly peeved, I bag the first few items before looking up to see the items flying towards me at Mach Speed. At first I tried having two bags open simultaneously to place items together the way I intended, but in realizing how slow I was going and a quick glance at the cashier and the lady behind me, whose items were already on the belt, made me feel like Lucy and Ethel in the famous chocolate-factory conveyor belt scene.

It was ON. Toothpaste and TP were now in the same bag as corn on the cob and pesto sauce. Eggs and coffee cohabitated with paper towels and cooking spray. I gave my cashier a “meet me outside” look before slunking off towards the exit, my pride somewhat tarnished and my ego deflated.

I suppose it could’ve been worse; I didn’t have to stuff a bunch of chocolate in my mouth and pockets.

On second thought, I think Lucy and Ethel got the better end of that deal.